If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.