Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
You Might Also Like
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY