I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
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My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
just gave your address to some spiders
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.