Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
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My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.