Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
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*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[first day as astronaut]
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.
Or vice versa, whatever
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
“We will wed,” I threatened
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.