Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
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*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
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I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Yup….perfect score!
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Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms