Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
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Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.