Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
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The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Do not levitate over flowers
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
based al yankovic
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
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“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.