Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
You Might Also Like
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
*orders delivery*
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.