Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
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I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
It’s a gift
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
🚲+physics = winner
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.