[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
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She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
who did the taste test?
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.