I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.