Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
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“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
hmm conte-me mais
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”