“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
You Might Also Like
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Your secret is safeish with me
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.