So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
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I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
congratulations to them
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!