Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*