Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
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-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
No. YOU-buprofen.