Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
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I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.