35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
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If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
#have a #great #PancakeDay
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible