I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
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I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
It’s the weekend y’all
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist