My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
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Bike for sale
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Not today. 😅
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Every BBC series about the universe.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter