‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
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Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 馃ぃ
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn鈥檛 know that. Have a nice day
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig鈥檚 List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
馃幎 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 馃幎
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v潭e潭n潭g潭e潭a潭n潭c潭e潭
grapes
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that鈥檚 fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”