Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
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if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Every house has this drawer
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon