My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
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A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.