I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
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It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
peep davidson
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
selfie game
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones