I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
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good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Well, this is awkward
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there