Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
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The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.