Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
You Might Also Like
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
first date idea we go to marriage counseling