Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
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You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him