“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
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These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.