COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
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Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
HOW DARE YOU
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right