My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
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I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job