I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
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The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name