I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
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Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Every time.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.