Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
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CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
#dalle2
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail