A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
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In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*