The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
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SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
shit just got real
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.