So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
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Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
You are what you delete.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.