So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
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Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Merry Christmas
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Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
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Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.