Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
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No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
$4 #usedbooks
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”