Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
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Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Guy who likes music
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?