Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
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Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Cucumbers Anonymous
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
LMAO.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact