Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
You Might Also Like
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.