Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!