I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
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i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.