In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
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Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
You had me at “define legal”.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.