@dudehugs

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

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@MamaHuntsBest

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

@PJTLynch

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

@leechee420

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

@vangobot

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

@williamwanton

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

@HatfieldAnne

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

@joshgondelman

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

@anildash

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

@JessicaFancy

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?