TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
You Might Also Like
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
he chose this
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.