A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
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No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too