@mattZillaaaa

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

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@bdbdleeroybrown

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

@tchrquotes

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

@Cunda22

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

@13spencer

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

@Georg_Grey

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

@Laser_Cat

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

@JohnRMoffitt

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

@0hJuliette

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on