@iwearaonesie *turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
@mattZillaaaa Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
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@iwearaonesie 
@DrakeGatsby Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
@lifeattiffanys Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
@broken_rhi My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
@daemonic3 [1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
@TimFernholz The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
@TheTweetOfGod The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
@Popehat Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
@kimlockhartga I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
@BrianIncognito My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.