@bdbdleeroybrown I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
@mattZillaaaa Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
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@bdbdleeroybrown 
@tchrquotes What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
@Cunda22 I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
@13spencer Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
@Georg_Grey If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
@StuForReal In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
@Laser_Cat Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
@JohnRMoffitt That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
@0hJuliette I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
@MariyaAlexander How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime