Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

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I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”


What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?


I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.


Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.


If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.


Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.


That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.


I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on