@mattZillaaaa

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

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@iwearaonesie

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

@DrakeGatsby

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

@lifeattiffanys

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

@broken_rhi

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

@TimFernholz

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

@TheTweetOfGod

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

@Popehat

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

@kimlockhartga

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

@BrianIncognito

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.