Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
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I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER