Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
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Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I am HOWLING at this
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew