the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
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My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
The Joker was right
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
This has made my week.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.