What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
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I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Beauty and the Beast
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy