What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
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looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato
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ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
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