My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
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My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for