My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

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ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.


I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!


It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*


Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.


Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*


The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.


To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names