My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
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What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Its a hippotatomus
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.